On buses and sunsets.

I have realized, recently, I do not tend to experience sharp feelings of happiness. Instead, I am more apt to a fuzzy engulfment - a partial numbing - which in my head, I refer to as "lightness".

The feeling is made of old married couples holding hands, of abused kittens going to loving families, and of the kindness of strangers. Maybe you know the feeling. I get it sometimes. Perhaps this will seem strange or arbitrary to you, but lightness touches my heart when I catch the bus home during a sunset. What is it about something so simple? It's hard to articulate, but to me, a setting sun is a natural manifestation of another one of life's beautiful days coming to a gentle close. It is the universe saying "I hope you had a great day. Here, have a pink sky, and I'll see you tomorrow." I have a suspicion this love initially rose from the cover of an album I once loved.


But it has new meaning to me now. I ride home as the world becomes peaceful, ready to retire for the night. I can feel it all, elevated on this rickety, familiar Hillsbus. And no matter which horizon the buses direction dictates my gaze towards, I know there are beautiful, simple things happening in the world below. Today, somewhere, to someone, the following things happened:

• A mother made cookie dough for cookies. Instead of getting mad at her daughter upon catching her taking little bits, she smiled, and dragged her to the loungeroom, where they watched a movie and ate cookie dough.
• A woman asked her boyfriend if he still found her attractive after the weight she had gained. He got down on one knee and proposed.
• Stuck in traffic, someone sang along to American Pie with the windows down. At least three other cars surrounding this one joined in.

I know these things happened because I browsed MyLifeIsGood. I have never submitted an anecdote to that site, but if I did, they might read something like this:

• Today, Mum had to pick Hannah up from a party at night. I went for the drive with her. We didn't say a word. It was just nice being with her and making sure she had a safe drive. MLIG.
• Today, Cowie placed a mug by the kettle for me to use when I got up. I felt like the owner of an eager-to-please cat who had just placed a special gift of a dead mouse on my Mac, or somewhere similar, where he knew I'd find it. MLIG.
• Today, with windblown hair and idiotic grin all over the shop, making huge lurches at every abrupt bus stop, I was told I was beautiful by lady with a pram. I felt prettier than I had for a long while. MLIG.

Sometimes, when I walk home in the darkening sunset, there's a tortoise-shell kitty waiting for me on it's driveway. He let me cuddle him from day one, but mostly he likes to rub his head against my knees. I named him Miaow. During our rendevous, he miaows only once, in greeting, as he walks over to me from under his owner's car. One day, I'm sure, someone will come out and ask me what the fuck I'm doing. I'll say, just admiring your cat, Sir! I love your cat. Or maybe they just sit inside, watching me from behind the blinds, their TV glowing and the aromas of a nearly-dinner wafting throughout the home. It's that girl playing with the cat again, one, perhaps a little girl, observes. Then they resume their conversation. Happy, simple family life.

I don't know. I am made light even by the idea of marriage and family, as it has been romanticized. I see these loving old couples, who have witnessed and experienced the entire lives of the other. Every triumph, every fall. Every transition, every tear of joy, from their salad days to as they stand now, wrinkly and yellow with experience and life. Throughout a time frame I can't even comprehend. I mean, I think that's beautiful. Maybe one day I'd be one of them too, but I don't care to risk damaging love through marriage. And that's okay. I'm happy to glimpse it around me.

These things are little and maybe they seem silly to you. That's okay too, because as I ride along Old Windsor Road with the world glowing sunset orange, I know that life, in all it's trials, pain, and elations is beautiful. Nothing could make me lighter than to be here right now.